Alive and Kicking!

Hey everyone, sorry I haven’t been so active these past few weeks but I have been busy with life :3

Valentine’s Day came upon us and I spent it with my one and only Mashiara ❤ A night at a nice hotel and a lovely dinner at a fancy French restaurant, I think it was our best Valentine’s ever and definitely one of out best weekends together for some time. I didn’t want it to end and I miss him so much my heart is aching… But hopefully he will be here with me again soon ^^

Other than that I’m working, planning some shoots and apply for new jobs. Even though I like my current workplace I feel the need to move up from “just” being a registrar. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, but my goal is to be an archivist and I won’t settle for less. But right now I’m happy if I can get the security, and paycheck, that a permanent job will bring (I’m currently employed as a temporary consultant with a shitty salary..).

And I’m all done with studying! At least for now, I’ll probably go back at a later stage but not right now 🙂 I decided to celebrate that with something I’ve been drooling over for some time: Burned Velvet leggings from Black Milk ❤

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Keeping the Dream Alive

This year I celebrated five years as a model. Even though I took a pretty long break from it all a couple of years ago due to studies, it feels strange to have been at it for so long. I haven’t done nearly all the things on my To Do List and there are still many talented photographers and designers I want to work with. I haven’t gone as far as I’d like, I’m not done by a long shot. I know I’m moving slower ahead than some other, but I’m patient and know that my time will come. I’m creating a niche for myself to make my name in and if it takes five more years to achieve what I want, so be it.

I can’t give up on what I want and what I like to do. I will probably have to expand my horizons, but it will be on my own terms. Not someone else’s.

I’m keeping my dreams alive, even though it’s hard and I sometimes feel like giving up on everything. I have to believe there’s a space for me and that I’ll soon be able to check of that list and feel a little more happy in my creativity. I’m proud of myself and of my work. I don’t compromise with my standards and boundaries. I know that I can stand behind everything that I’ve done so far. And that’s an important feeling for me.

I’m lucky though to have as many fans and supporters that I have, and I’m really bloody lucky to have Mashiara standing behind me no matter what ❤ Without him I don’t know what I would do or where I would be.

He feeds me with confidence and strength. Myself, I feed my dreams with tea, latex, corsets, high heels and weird madness. Oh, and cupcakes ❤

And of course, pretty pictures from shoots ^^

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Photo: Belinda Bartzner – Photography, Latex top: Maebelle Latex, Gloves: All You Need Is GL<3VES

 

Future Plans & Doings

I know I’m not all that good at writing contiuously here, but there are a lot of things going on right now so bear with me.

I’m working on my final paper, due in the beginning of May. It’s not a long paper, but I’ve also got another course running at the same time, so I’m bringing out all my time managent skills. At least I’m writing down things and reading at the same time. It gives me headaches, but hey, hopefully it will be worth it 😉

Next week I’m celebrating my birthday. I’m still trying to work out what I want for birthday cakes (I always have two) and if I want to bake something else. So far I’ve decided on a yummie pavlova with lime curd and tasty fruits, some kind of chocolate cake and mini white chocolate cupcakes with a tasty frosting. I still have to decide on the frosting.

My honey is coming up to celebrate my birthday with me, and that makes me really happy 🙂 I haven’t seen him for way too long..

Also, I’ll be shooting with Natalie G Sundling and Colorfulmakeups again! An outdoor shoot with pretty shiny things, it’s going to be great!

Since I’m being very busy though, I’ve had to make the decision on cutting back on all my photoshoots. I’ve only got two booked (or well, I’m trying to reschedule one to happen very soon) until the beginning of May, and that’s probably how it’s going to end up. So to the designers waiting for me to shoot stuff for them, please be a little patient with me. I’ll get to everything as soon as I can, but I need to watch over my nerves so I don’t keel over from all the stress :/

I can’t tell you what we’re going to shoot, but I can give you a hint of what will be in one of them – my darling gloves from All You Need Is Gloves ❤

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Valentine’s Day

So, today is Valentine’s Day, probably the one day of the year when everyone is divided into two camps: lovers and haters of Valentine’s. I’m a hopeless romantic, so I love this day ^^ I don’t, however, love all the commercial stuff that are being sold as “special gifts”. Teddybears with a big heart doesn’t really do it for me, give me a big cat instead! Or a pink elephant, that would be very nice indeed. Or a box of good chocolate and lots of quality time, I’m quite happy with that. I want something that comes from the heart, that has feeling.

Usually, me and my honey Mashiara will go out to a nice dinner and get some time to ourselves. But this year he’s being held back by his job, and so we’ve decided to do something more special next week when he comes up to me. It’s a bit sad to be without him, but we’ll make up for it later ^^

Anyway, I hope you are all having a great Valentine’s Day, whether you’re celebrating it or not 🙂

Here’s a little something from me and KT Twisted Photography:

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To Care Or Not To Care?

Many of us say that we don’t care about what other people think, as long as we ourselves are happy with what we do and what we accomplish.

I say: fuck that. Of course I care about what others think of what I do, how else would I know that I’m doing something good and/or right?

With that said it seems to me highly ironic that I, who have been battling a low self-esteem for the past few years, have chosen to engage in something that puts me into constant scrutiny of others. But do you know what the really weird thing is? I get more cranky when I get no attention or acknowledgement at all, then when I get critique that I find unjustified.

Attention whore? Me? Nooo, really? *can you spot the sarcasm here?*

I’d be lying if I ever said I didn’t care, because I do. Part of that I think is because of the “good girl” syndrome I seem to be suffering from, and where appriciation is a sign that I’ve done something well enough. It’s hard to not be affected, and all the lovely things my Fans tell me is one of the things that keeps me going and want to create more pretty photoshoots. I want to do well, I always have, and it’s bloody hard for me to not care. Your opinion means a lot, it really really does ❤

I work very hard to create good-looking shoots, perhaps harder than people think sometimes. A lot of time and effort is put into every shoot and can litterary spend months (at times even years!) to plan a shoot to perfection. The outcome may not always be what I envisioned it to be, but I have rarely left a shoot thinking “this went like crap”. Every Like, every positive comment, and even the constructive critisism, is for me a sign that my plans and ideas were in the right direction.

I learn from every shoot I make and I always use what I’ve learned in the next shoot.

Some day I may learn to not care as much or see my work as the “love child” that I do now. But for now I just work with what I’ve got, I push myself further, make the contact that I need to get where I want to and devote my creative energy to this. Because I love to do this, I really LOVE it! And if I have to work harder than everyone else to get somewhere, than that’s what I’ll do.

I’ll bloody make it work.

Picture by Josefine Jönsson, shot for Viola Lahger & This Has A Story